Disenfranchised grief has been on my mind a lot lately, both because of my own recent experience with it and because I believe a lot of people are going through it right now.
I talk about it in this video on Instagram. If you’d rather read, scroll on. I go into a little more detail with examples in the text below.
What Is Disenfranchised Grief?
The term is actually new to me; I heard it for the first time a few months ago when one of my writing clients asked for an article about it. My personal story with it started last year; I’ll get to that soon.
First, disenfranchised grief is a grief that is unacknowledged or invalidated by society:
“Doka (1989a, p. 4) defined disenfranchised grief as ‘the grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported.’ He suggested that disenfranchisement can apply to unrecognized relationships, losses, or grievers, as well as to certain types of deaths.”
There are a lot of ways this can show up in your life.
Examples of Disenfranchised Grief
- Unrecognized Relationships: Loss of a romantic relationship that was hidden/secret, death of a distant relative or a relative you didn’t know, death of an ex-partner.
- “Insignificant” Loss: A loss that is “no big deal” when compared to the death of, say, a child or a parent. May include death of a pet, a breakup, loss of a home or sense of safety, loss of health or mobility, death of a co-worker or teacher.
- Stigma: Losses we find hard to talk about or that are associated with judgment from others. Abortions, miscarriages, addiction, infertility, suicide, imprisonment. As an example, if a sibling goes to jail for a serious crime, other people might say he/she deserves it and discount the loss you feel.
- Exclusion: Others saying you don’t “have the right” to mourn. You ex-spouse’s family might reject your grief or ask you not to attend the funeral, for example.
- “Abnormal” Grief: Society expects people to grieve by crying, withdrawing, etc. However, we don’t all grieve the same way. Your grief may be disenfranchised if you get angry, jump into a new relationship, turn to drugs or alcohol, or keep yourself especially busy with work and social activities.
Disenfranchised Grief in the Age of COVID-19
Throughout the virus, we’ve all lost a lot. Some people are losing friends and family members to the virus itself; others are losing friends and family because of differing opinions.
We’ve also lost events: birthday parties, graduations, concerts, gatherings, going to the movies. Some have lost homes. Many have lost their health or sense of security.
And it’s okay to mourn those losses.
If you say, “Just be glad you’re still alive” or “At least you didn’t lose your parents,” that is disenfranchisement. That’s an invalidation of someone’s very real feelings, and it isn’t fair or kind.
We all respond to things differently, and every feeling is valid. When we shame others for those feelings, it increases their risk of anxiety, depression, insomnia, substance abuse, and more. It makes it even more difficult to get through something that it already enormously difficult.
My Own Story of Disenfranchised Grief
Last year, my boyfriend moved from Las Vegas to Denver and wanted me to go, too, of course. (For context: we’ve been together for almost 10 years and have lived together for basically nine and a half of those.)
However, for the first time since we started moving around, I had found home in Las Vegas. I had a job I loved deeply. I loved my co-workers, the studio members, my bosses, everything. That work gave my days so much purpose, and I was excited about it. I was also making a great living, which was a huge bonus for doing something I loved so much.
I put off making a decision about going for as long as I could. About four months before I left, I had more or less decided to leave…but I was in big denial. I didn’t tell anyone; I basically pretended nothing was changing. That worked as long as I didn’t think about it, but thinking about it was heart wrenching.
It was when I was going through such sadness (crying on the way home from work, not being able to sleep, crying when I finally did tell my bosses that I was leaving) that I realized I was in fact grieving the loss. I got angry, particularly at my boyfriend, for moving when I was doing so well where I was and loving it so much.
The worst, though, was when I told him how sad I was. “You can do what you do anywhere. Work for the same company here! You don’t need to stay there.”
It was devastating. He completely invalidated my feelings, which was crushing ON TOP OF what I was already experiencing.
I didn’t know the term “disenfranchised grief” at the time, but I was definitely going through it.
What To Do Now
We need to be more understanding, of others and ourselves. Loss is loss. Reading about disenfranchised grief has really helped me understand I’m not alone in feeling this way and that it’s not unreasonable, and it’s made me more aware of what so many people are probably going through right now.
Here are a few resources:
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.2190/LD26-42A6-1EAV-3MDN?journalCode=omea (linked to in the paragraphs above)
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/disenfranchised-grief#examples (linked to in the paragraphs above)
https://www.oprah.com/health/healthy-ways-to-mourn-disenfranchised-grief
https://pro.psychcentral.com/causes-of-disenfranchised-grief/
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
Have you experienced disenfranchised grief, or have you unwittingly disenfranchised someone else?